A Very Campy Christmas, Keegan Kennedy
Genre: Gay Fiction
Tags: Satire / Parody, Non-PC Humour, Christmas Theme, Contemporary
Length: 81 Pages
Reviewer: Kazza K
Purchase At: amazon.com
A funny and, yes, camp dig at everyone.
I’ll be honest. I wasn’t sure what to expect here. I read smutty Keegan Kennedy because he will take me into areas others often won’t. But, you know, he did the same with A Very Campy Christmas, only without the sex.
Everyone – and by everyone I mean a motley assortment of Lady Konstanina Kringle’s staff, relatives…and a lawyer – are gathered to hear her will reading. The eclectic group are either Boreans, humans, halflings or quarterlings. She is dying from chocolate cherry covered overload and expects to go into a sugar-coma any day now. The OTT, melodramatic, and bitchy Lady K gathers them to hear the reading of her will. They are there because of the estate. No one particularly likes Lady K, or each other…except for the occasional pair who are doing the horizontal mambo. At stake are a castle in the Bramptons, an upmarket address if there ever was one, two hundred million Polar Credits and a 45% stake in Christmas. The thing is, they have all just discovered that Lady K has changed her will and no one is happy, unless they are the new beneficiary. But at the announcement Delta Donner, the Sarah McLachlan ASPCA loving space cadet niece, has been named the new beneficiary of all the good stuff. Everyone else gets a years supply of kitty litter, gel shoes, cheap vouchers, Conway Twitty, Beta tapes and a bitch slap. When asked why the estate is going to Delta , and Lady K is about to give her reasons, the lights go out, then when they come back on again both Lady K and Delta Donner have been murdered. Death by whale harpoon and blubber asphyxiation no less!
Detective Butch Danzer is called in to find out whodunit, and a fine specimen of a gay man he is – all alpha, muscular and buzz-cut. He isn’t letting anyone leave until the murderer is found. Besides, he has a secret dossier on five of the seven people in attendance, including some interesting pictures. He makes sure they know when they aren’t telling the truth.
Fiona Falconcrest aka Herman Lee Kringle was sleeping with Felix Navidad, Lady Konstantina’s consort and manservant. Apart from the problematic five o’clock shadow, people are always throwing shade her way –
“If that bitch is gonna call herself a drag queen, she needs to know how to work a set of pumps.”
…the tall thin drag queen was wearing heavy and over-done makeup.
When questioned about Lady K and Delta’s death she tries to pull a Sharon Stone on Detective Butch Blitzen, but he’s not buying what the drag queen is selling.
Kyle Fabulous is now the default beneficiary of the castle, two hundred million Polar Credits, and the 45% holding of Christmas, since the original beneficiary has been harpooned and blubbered to death with Lady K. So he now looks suspicious by way of their deaths.
Felix (or Hans Vanderhoofen) grew up in a Norwegian whaling town and was porking both Fiona Falconcrest as well as Lady Konstantina. So you know he would be skilled with a harpoon… and whale blubber. If he inherited the money he planned on paying for Fiona’s transition op and having children with her, he is somewhat…confused about what surgery can and, uh, can’t achieve.
Cowboy Steve is a great nephew of Lady K. But it seems that he lost his ranch and his money backing Rick Perry’s run at higher office (he is from Texas) and he’s now pooper-scooper-Steve. He pooper scoops at Odessa Park, Texas, these days, no longer the cowboy he makes out that he is. It seems he wanted the money, if he inherited it, to invest in something a guy at a bus station told him about – Beanie Babies. Hmm, Steve is behind on every trend it seems.
Portia Prancer – the low-brow questionable and perhaps illegitimate daughter of Lady K works at the local strip joint, The Pole, and is at the will reading in her finest – white tube top, green and red beaded thong and eight inch stilettos and she is known to ask everyone at the reading – “Hey, you got a dollar to tip me?” Her outlook on being questioned by the alpha Detective, Butch Danzer, is to sit in his lap . Errr, wrong team Portia-
“Remove yourself from my person before I shoot you!”
Don’t stand between Portia and her attempts at a dollar –
“Come on, a dollar’ll make me holler!”
But Portia says she was down to business when Lady K and Delta were harpooned and blubbered.
Gretchen the elf has worked for Lady K for over three hundred years. She knows her the best of anyone, even Felix Navidad has only worked /been a boy toy for Lady Kringle for eight years. She seems to be the only one upset about Lady Kringle’s unfortunate harpooning. She also knows that Detective Danzer is keen on Kyle Fabulous –
She gave him a knowing look. “You like him don’t you?”
Butch cleared his throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I saw you when you came in. I was standing next to Kyle and your eyes were all over him.”
But Detective Blitzen has no secret dossier on Gretchen –
“And, Gretchen, you were one of the two no information was given on. What does that tell you?”
“It tells me that elves keep our noses clean, or it also says that we are smart enough to bury the bodies, Detective Blitzen.”
Next up is Kyle Fabulous, and Detective Butch Danzer is making sure to use breath freshener, that there is nothing in his teeth, and that he looks good for the tight jeans, muscle-shirt-wearing, blonde highlights, pearly-white teeth, Kyle. Of course, Kyle likes the butch name of, well, Butch… and his handshake –
“Oh my, that is quite a grip you have there.”
“Something so masculine and manly about the name Butch. I could go on for days regarding the sheer erotic imagery that such a classic and traditional name implies.”
From the not-so-subtle implications in Kyles’ soft but wanton voice, the detective felt his manhood swell in his slacks.
You gotta love a swelling manhood———> 🙂
Butch also has all of actor Kyle Fabulous’ – bit roles – shows on DVD and he watches them over and over. Once he gets over his fan-squeedom he finds out that Kyle and Delta were close. They used to go out in NYC together and party, until Giuliani closed all the fun places down. But after an acid trip too many he found Delta nearly catatonic watching the same thing over and over –
“Damn that Sarah McLachlan and those abused and needy pets!”
“Could you imagine being trapped for like seventy two hours with nothing before you except that infomercial under the influence of LSD?”
Butch feels touchy-feely towards Kyle and allows him latitude the others haven’t been given. Kyle makes his Kyle-Fabulous assessment of burly Detective Danzer –
“…even though I can tell that you like to be the one with your key in a boy’s ignition.”
“And if you are a gay man and dare to age any, you might as well be dead.”
“What about Tom Cruise? He seems very…coiffed…for a heterosexual.”
“Oh, please! I’m talking about straight men.”
The plastic surgery awareness is a public service Kyle Fabulous needs to perform…and there’s so much of it.
Oh, I loved the homage? to romance –
Finally, Butch came up for air. “Sorry, I was not being a gentleman by taking a kiss from lips as pink and delicious as yours. ”
“How big is this beautiful phallus? …
“It’s fourteen inches,” Butch said, clenching his squared jaw. I hope that doesn’t scare you off.
“Butch, I can assure you that Kyle Fabulous has never met a cock that he can’t swallow every inch of….”
Camp jibes and bitchiness run free –
“At least someone finally covered up that hideous sight,” Kyle said, breaking the silence.
“What, Delta’s dress?” Fiona asked sassily.
Kyle cut his eyes at the drag queen, “No, the bodies, but you’re right about the dress.”
The whole book is like old-school, classic murder /mysteries where everyone is detained in the house while the investigation of the recently murdered is underway. There is also the tactic of running through the suspects and why they couldn’t have done it until there is a conclusion. But you have to read this book to find out the conclusion. My lips are sealed for fear of harpooning and blubber death.
The whole novella is done with great tongue-in-cheek, irreverent, campy humour and pokes fun at straight and gay people, a lot of pop culture, politicians, Long Island Tea, and so on. Parodying of stereotypes, romances, erotica, and PC issues are thrown at readers with gay abandon. While I’m at it, I think I have to discuss Australia’s non-developing country status with Keegan Kennedy. Hmm 🙂 Nah, I love it when people take the piss out of everyone and everything, and that he did. Multilaterally. This is a different offering from Keegan Kennedy and a good one at that. I got a bit of the big dick thrown at me but A Very Campy Christmas isn’t an erotic offering. It is a satirical fun, campy, romp, so bear that in mind when you pick it up to read. It is all good, cheesy, non PC fun.
“They say that every time a bottom boy gets deflowered by a dominant man for the first time…an angel gets their wings.”